The Opposites of Being Autistic
A couple of months ago I got the official word that I was actually autistic. It was a relief and a delight, to be honest. I felt lighter and freer immediately. So many things made sense that before had left me confused (and feeling more than a little bonkers, to be frank!).
People close to me had told me I was rude and impolite, extremely warm and friendly; cold and unsympathetic, kind and empathetic; logical and controlling, creative, dreamy and flexible… so naturally I wondered who I was, of all these vastly different and apparently opposite personalities! Truth is, of course, that I am just me and can come across as all these things. And it’s the ‘coming across’ part that’s key, because it’s that part that relates to being autistic.
I’ve had friends deny my being autistic, that it’s an impossibility, as I have plenty of empathy (autistic people can’t have empathy!), I’m warm, open and friendly (autistic people are distant and withdrawn!), and I am creative (autistic people aren’t creative!). I’ve had others tell that me being autistic explains my behaviour – now they understand, they say, that my hurtful, cold and unsympathetic statements or actions weren’t meant to be hurtful. I realise now that a large part of these different views of who I am are partly why I’ve been unsure of myself — am I stubborn or am I determined? Am I open-minded or inflexible in my thinking? Am I kind or mean?! Of course, deep inside I think I am a good person, at least I try to be, so the harsher descriptions of me have left me feeling deeply hurt and distrustful of people. If I can’t know myself how can I expect to know whether someone’s criticism of me is valid or not?
So knowing that masking is a thing — and that it is why I feel so strangely exhausted after spending time with others (not all others! But even people I love dearly can exhaust me) — helps me understand that I can come across as sociable, chatty and easy to talk to, while at the same time inside I am unsociable, quiet and find ‘chat’ quite tricky.
Empathy is another aspect of ‘me’ that seems to incite opposing views in others. Some see me as overly empathetic, caring too much about what is happening to others and letting affect my daily life and emotions, others see me as utterly cold and unable to be sensitive to others’ feelings. I’ve learned that autistic people often empthasise deeply with other people and also animals (and in some cases objects, an autistic person I know does this a lot)—but that these extreme interior feelings of empathy are so hard to deal with that over time they get buried or that they are simply too difficult to express. Stimming can be a way for an autistic person to help deal with the anxiety or overwhelming feelings that can come from empathising. I also think that over time autistic people learn to empathise too. It may require more action than for a non-autistic person — if I’m having an argument with someone, for example, and it’s very emotional, I will take time to sit and imagine what this situation is like for the other person. I put myself in their shoes and imagine how my actions or words (or whoever/whatever it is we’re discussing) might make a person feel. I believe I have become very good at this, since many people say talking to me is like talking to a therapist as I seem to understand them. So clearly I’m managing to empathise! But I wonder if it’s something I learned to do or perhaps learned not to bury, I don’t know.
Creativity is another one of these opposites. I grew up thinking I could never be a true creative as I didn’t seem to FEEL things deeply in the way that others did. I was good at art, good at writing, but I was too logical, too practical, not ‘arty’ enough. Other people had dramatic events happen to them where they would be extremely sad or happy, highs and lows, passions and excitement that I didn’t seem to have, not in the same way. Over and over I read about how artists create with passion, that the dark and light in their souls is what they pour out on the page and so on… but I felt pretty stable, pretty happy and content, so surely that meant I couldn’t be creative? At least not in the truly arty way of ‘proper’ artists. When I started painting for children’s books I did it from a place of pure joy. There was no darkness, blood or pain in my illustrations. And I felt like an imposter because of it. As though somehow ‘happy art’ isn’t art at all. All this simply because I thought I wasn’t ‘emotional’ enough to be creative. But in creating children’s illustrations and receiving the wonderful responses from so many people saying how much joy or pleasure they get from my pictures, it’s made me realise that painting joy and happiness is just as creative as painting misery and torment. I feel the whole gamut of emotions as others, but I don’t express them in the same way and that’s okay. Autistic people can be incredibly creative, just as they can also be incredible logical or abstract thinkers — one doesn’t negate the other.
It’s a very strange feeling, to be two kinds of people at once and to not really know which is the ‘real’ you. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that both are the real me. While I am definitely masking a lot of the time, I’ve done it for so many decades that it is now part of who I am.
I would love to know if other autistic people have felt this! I’d also love to know whether being diagnosed or recognised as autistic earlier in life leads to a person being less ‘two personalities’ as perhaps they aren’t forced to mask in the same way? Some questions to ponder… until next time!
